Phobic Me

I suffer from an acute case of ochlophobia and agoraphobia. To a certain extent xenophobia and acrophobia, though am trying really hard to come out of it, acrophobia i mean. As for the other phobias they remain, and all are so interrelated. So by now you must have guessed what an introvert i am. I mean come to think of it, making new friends is such a hard task for me unless there is some initiative from the other person's end . I have tried but as its not working out i guess its some case of genetic disorder , or else why would the problem persist despite repeated attmepts to come out of it. My generally audible voice enters the infra sonic range when meeting a new /fundoo/senior/superior persona. It did cause some ripples in the class when the head of department announced that i am softspoken. This statement's response elicited itself in the form of sour throats and stifled coughs. Now can u call me responsible if i suddenly get cold feet or butterflies in the pit of the stomach when speaking with him, to such an extent my temporal lobes go all numb and the corresponding nerves get paralysed so that no voice transmission takes place? That is another reason why i hate confrontations. I like solitude in familiar environments but i feel highly queasy when alone in unfamiliar environments. Mr Shark gave me company in the whole one week when i was alone and i entered this domain. But after shark's friend came, absolutely no hearing from him. With my ego hurt, and deciding not to trample it anymore i decided to embrace solitude . However even then the ugly head of ochlophobia resurfaces from time to time. In the meantime during the luncheon sessions i entered the world of medical thrillers to keep me company . Meanwhile sharky dear has totally forgotten my existence.( The medical realm i entered was not engrossing enough to pull me away from this). So thats a case of ochlophobia, agoraphobia and xenophobia combined, as its all new people around without the familiar face of sharky. Not to mention my bouts with frustration and depression during this interval. This is coupled with anxiety, worry, and dunno what not. At the end of the day, here i am with a melange of all possible introvert- related phobias to form, voila,ME!!!!!

Call of Fear

I have often wondered what Franklin Roosevelt meant when he said “ The greatest thing to fear is fear itself”. As the adage goes “ Experience is the greatest teacher”, in the course of time, experience taught me its true implications.

The days leading to the piano grading exams, especially the practical exams are generally fraught with tension in the academy I went to. The din of the piano, violin and bass is superimposed with the angry and frustrated voices of the instructors. What with high goals and standards to meet, honors and reputations to protect coupled with our degrading performances, the frustration was totally justifiable.

The bright spot was that I had an edge over my contemporaries , being the oldest. During my mock tests, I had trouble with an allegretto while the other two pieces went fine. On D-Day, I walked into the exam hall , totally focused and played the allegretto to perfection. I heaved a sigh of relief- one headache over. I also realized that I was not nervous at all.

Call it reverse psychology or whatever, I suddenly felt the pangs of nervousness begin to engulf me. Butterflies in my stomach coupled with trembling fingers. Hence my diminuendos ended up louder and my staccatos were too prolonged. Result- My cradle song ended up waking the baby. My next piece went equally as bad.

Not to my surprise, when the results were out I had scored the highest for the allegretto while just got enough in the other two pieces to pass the exam with merit. It was then that I realized the magnitude of the call of fear.